Choices and the Decisions We Make.

When I was in middle school, what now feels like an eternity, I loathed making any choices on my own. I always wanted to have someone to tell me what to do, how it needed to be done. It was easier. Less of a hassle. If I'm being honest however, it was because I was scared I would make a mistake with any choice needed to be made. It's a heck of a lot easier to follow others examples than to have people follow yours.

The hilarious part of that? Every single report card I would get, the teachers would always give those comments of me being a good leader. My reactions? I'd laugh and think they were crazy. Put yourself into my position when I was twelve years old. Being fearful of making choices that would determine the outcome of your life, being told that you had qualities of a leader? It sounds a bit nuts. I would always get those comments from elementary until my junior year of high school. Every. Single. Teacher. Would give that comment for me. It drove me CRAZY! How could I be a leader if I feared communicating with anyone?

But, now? When I'm twenty-one I kind of see what they meant. I do possess some of the qualities that it takes to be a leader. But, dear goodness, I dislike making decisions even now! I guess that may take a while to shake off.

Being an adult is filled of having to make choices. For example, it's filled with questions such as:

"Do I want to work for this company? Or that company?"

"Is being paid this much better than the convenience of working closer to home?"

"Should I continue an education?"

"Should I move to..?"

"Can I allow myself to be open to... about ..."

"Should I take out another credit card?"

Not that these questions have flowed through my mind, but you hear about most adults having questions like these when it pertains to their lifes. How does one choose the correct choice? Is there such a thing as a "correct" choice? Are we all just playing a guessing game and hoping the outcome is a good one? I suppose we are. I mean, sure we have information to help us be knowledgeable in topics to make wise decisions but is that enough to make a "right" decision? Sometimes, but not always.

One thing that has never made sense to me, even to this day, is relationships. All types of relationships, not just the romantic relationships. How are we able to form connections with people? How do we keep those connections alive long after they are formed? Are some connections worth more than others?

Think about it, we're taught to treat our elders with respect even when at times the respect is not reciprocated. It drove me crazy when I was younger, and sometimes it still does. But, I'll always treat someone well, not because they may be older than I am but because everyone deserves to be treated right. Everyone deserves to be treated as if they are worth something precious, because they are. Life is a precious thing. If only people could realize that. Life is precious. Every single thing that lives is precious.

Except spiders and squirrels. Yes, I am being this specific. I absolutely fear them. Spiders are creepy as heck. Squirrels? Bad experiences with them.

Maybe some background information would be nice for you. I used to always think squirrels were cute little creatures. I never had a close up experience with them since I was raised mostly in big cities, but that doesn't mean that big cities don't have squirrels, I just never had a close interaction with them. That is until the summer of 2013 when I was fifteen at the time. Back then we lived in a small town and my parents decided to put me in a tennis camp. Trying to get me active since I was very attached to being online on Wizard101 and on Skype with friends from the game. (If you play or played, you are magical.) Anyways, we would walk around the park. But, dear everything that is good in this world. Out of NOWHERE this squirrel starts to freaking run AFTER me. Let me tell you, all the years I never ran in P.E. class back in middle school, I did that day. I ran fast too, like my life depended on it, and in my mind, it did. My parents? Instead of being worried about my safety, they laughed it up. I mean, it's hilarious now of course, but what are the odds a random squirrel will chase after someone? I would say slim, and if you're thinking I had any sort of food on me, I didn't. Although the second time a squirrel chased after me? I did have some fruit snacks on me, that I was eating because I was waiting for my mom at a university since I was taking a dual enrollment class for the summer, the year following the incident with the squirrel at the park. Some luck huh?

Where I'm currently living, I sometimes walk to the park and I'm not joking when I say this. I will run away if I see a squirrel. Did I mention I kind of have asthma? Not the kind that needs the inhaler, but I feel really out of breath when I run. It's slowly getting better but man, does it suck the life outta you sometimes.

But, back to making choices and decisions. I made my first huge decision when I was seventeen. I hated - and I do mean hated - the second high school I went to. We moved during the middle of my sophomore year of high school. The one I first went too kind of felt like a college, it was open and felt very liberating. The second one I went to? It felt like a prison you would see in t.v. shows. The teachers weren't all bad, I had some good ones. I hated the people who were in the same grade as I, but I got along with the upperclassmen. Like always, because we were the same age. My parents held me back in kindergarten, so yay their choices! (If you can't tell, I was being sarcastic.) A year and a half at that school was enough for me. I decided to take my senior year of high school online. Man did I do very well, and it worked well for me too since I was able to travel to Brazil and stay with family for a while. I was able to see what could have been had I grown up there. Thank you universe that - that did not happen. I cannot even fathom who I could have become had my parents decided to stay there. But it does make me wonder who I could have been had they chosen to go to Europe. Who knows right? Maybe there's another dimension out there somewhere that this is what happened to an alternative version of me.

I never wanted to go to a graduation after leaving my first high school. But, since this was a decision I choose for myself, I felt the need to go to my graduation for it. I loved my experience there. Those are my two fond decisions I have ever had the chance to make.

However, my next decision, I sometimes regret more times than not. See, when I was back in Brazil before my graduation I went to a lot of interviews to become an English teacher at schools there. I mean, I knew the language, how hard could it be? Man did it take MONTHS, and sometimes even a year, to get a response back from them. But, one did get in contact with me and said that when I got back I would have a job with them. My first real job. But, here's the thing. I never wanted to live there. The choice I made? It wasn't a choice I made for myself. It was a choice I made for my mother, a choice I made out of fear. My dad travels for work, and I've only lived with my mother. What did I know? What choice could I make? I let my other make a choice for me. I didn't feel capable of making a choice for myself. So we went back to Brazil and stayed with my grandfather. The same day we got there? I had the first day that I should have started. Hint, hint. Should. I'm getting ahead of myself thought, let me back up. My grandfathers wife, who I call my aunt, took me to the job to see what they needed. I was lucky enough that she didn't leave me there and go back home. They job? They straight up told me that they didn't know I was coming, and that they would schedule another follow up interview for me in the following days. Remember that hint? Yeah, that never happened. Everyone was so astonished at the unprofessional way that I experienced.

When I was supposed to make a decision before on whether I wanted that job or not, I had a bad feeling. A feeling where I shouldn't have gone. Where something was telling me - no, don't go. Stay there and make a life of your own. Did I listen? I guess we all know the answer to that. But, here's the thing. I made that same mistake three times after. I'm not going to go over them, because it's going to be the same thing over and over again.

But, I do have a point to this whole experience I'm mentioning and how I made the same mistakes over and over again, different experiences but same mistakes. Going back to Brazil and not making the choice of what I wanted. Of following someone else's beliefs of what I should do. Even though I believe everything has a reason, every single choice you make has a reason. The one thing I am going to stress is that you should make choices based on what YOU, and only YOU, want. Do not for one second let someone else influence what you want to do or what you believe you should be doing in your life.

As cheesy as this is going to sound, write a pro or con list. Make decisions based on the benefits of what you could be gaining. But, make sure that the benefits do not out weigh what you could be losing on something more valuable. Like a love that gives you a sense of belonging, something that can be very hard to find. I watched a lifetime movie a while back, and the character was given an advice. To write all that he could gain from leaving, but what he could also be losing, like his father did when he was his son's age. On the pro side of the list, only materialistic things that could be achieved. On the con side of the list, was two things, or rather two names.

At the end of the day, it's not how you want to spend your life, but with whom. Which brings me to my next mistake. Do not let fear rule your life. Do not let yourself to sabotage anything in your life. Whether it be to take an exam in the morning, to get to work on time, to tell someone how you feel, or not to keep promises to yourself. Whatever the case may be. Do not sabotage yourself in any way or form.

I did. Two years ago, I left my fears take a old. I let my fears bottle up my feelings and keep it hidden from the man I love. Yes, love. A huge part of me still loves him, and I think that part will always love him.

Remember when relationships never made sense to me? It doesn't. How can you choose who you want to spend the rest of your life with? How can you choose what qualities to love in a person? How can you allow yourself to get hurt by someone?

It doesn't always make sense to me, but I am evolving on my thoughts and beliefs. Goodness, I really hope that I am.

Two years ago, I let fear dictate my life, as I have always done. Some may say that I never loved him if I let fear take such a strong hold of me to let him slip from my fingers. But, I don't believe that's the case here. I love him. I thought I made the right choices for us. Yes, for us. See, the thing is we were miles apart. It wasn't a relationship but in someway or form, that's exactly what it was. A relationship, but as I write in my little poems, it was a unconventional relationship.

He made me laugh, and sometimes when I read over our messages, I still laugh. Before I have to stop myself from reading otherwise I'll start crying. I'm not a big fan of crying even though I strongly believe that it's a powerful thing to do. Hypocrite to think so? Maybe, but it's a habit I have yet to overcome.

He made me smile. He made me giggle. He made me feel. He made me want to open up to him. He made me want to allow myself to fall completely and utterly in love. I was always at war with myself. One was, "Yes! Lets love him!" and the other, " No! Retreat back to shelter!" Bombs would go off in my mind. Some were of love and rainbows, others just a wave of darkness. I felt happy, yet I also felt depressed.

I was his baby girl for a moment. He would actively tell me that he was in love with me. Little o'l me? She was confused. How could someone love me when I didn't even love me? How could someone fall in love with another without having yet touched another's skin? I could never grasp how he saw me for everything that I always wished someone could see in me. He saw me for a warmth, and I saw myself as coldness. He saw the best sides of me. I only saw my worst.

Then he said he found someone else. Heart? Frozen, unsure what to do. Is this the moment where I tell him that I love him? That I have always felt the same thing? That when he called me his baby girl it made my heart soar to the furthest planet? That it twinkled like a start on the darkest nights? Is this the moment where I tell him that I have always loved him like he loved me? Was that the moment where I let my guard down? Was that the moment where I dialed his number and broke down into tears because we were miles apart and I couldn't be in his arms to be in the comfort of his warm embrace?

Or was that the moment where I tried with a heavy heart to let him be with someone he said made him happy? Is that the moment where I knew I had to let him slip away from my grasp onto the arms of another? The moment where my heart froze once more, and every moment that it once soared came crashing down? Was that the moment where I knew - I instinctively knew I was making the wrong decision for myself because that's what I thought was best for him?

I told him lies. I lied about how I didn't see myself ever getting married. I did, but it was with him. I lied about how I didn't see myself having kids. I did, but yet again, it was with him. I never lied about how I would always be there for him, as a friend should he so want me to still even be that. But, how do you go back to being friends with someone you're not over. How do you go back to being friends with someone you still love? How do you get over someone whose soul is engraved into your heart, and every time you see their name your pulse races and yet your heart drops to your feet?

See, every single time I see his name anywhere I think to message him. I think to check in on how he's doing. But every single time that I do, I see his picture. I see the child he has with the one I told him to chase after. The one I believed could make him happier than I ever could. I never thought I could make him happy. Sometimes I see pictures of them together and I feel like I made the right choice... other times a part of me breaks and I know for sure I made the wrong decision.

The choices and decisions we make, will always have a lasting effect on us. They will always, always, have a condition that comes with them called," what if," or sometimes in the form of," if only."

If you regret a decision, it's okay. It happens to the best of us. We all have various choices in life, and the ones we decided to chase after, we have to be willing to acknowledge that sometimes it may not be the right one for us later one when we think about what we should have chosen.

I'm living with so many regrets on choices I've made. Some more profound than others. But, they are all choices I'm making myself accountable for. Hold yourself accountable for the choices you make, whether they bring you happiness or not. Whether they had nothing to do with the choices you've personally made. Hold yourself accountable, do not put blame onto others, even if it theirs to hold.

I've put blame on others for many years now, and trust me when I say, it does not take you any further than where you are now. It holds you still in the same position on where you currently are. Breath, and if need be, take a deeper breath.

I'll make another post about what's currently going on in my mind about the man I love, whose no longer mine to love. But, not right this instant. Maybe not even anytime soon. But, I'll come back with more details but no names will be given. For privacy reasons of course.

Thank you for reading and I hope you've enjoyed walking through the maze I call my mind. My own little Wonderland, or how I like to call it... My little Wanderland.

Until next time my darlings. Keep holding yourself strong.